Dont compare me anymore...
It did not dissappoint me.
But it upsets me.
It hurts me.
It made me vulnerable.

I always believe i wont change myself for any people, but each time I said this, I'm already changing myself slowly without noticing myself too.
Unless, it's ur intention to change me.
If not, you'll nv see the real me again cuz i'm fading off to be the one you want to recognise, the one you will like.

I'm juz losing myself...the real one that i myself couldnt even understand.
maybe being unreal is better...maybe, at least i know wadz goin on...

till then~

2100:
came back from work...
it's juz so messy today...
someone din turn up for work...
Khai wanted to extend me till 8p.m. de, but NO WAY am i staying till 8p.m unless i wanna get into more trouble...arghz...so i got extended for bout extra 30 minutes...until Alex decided to help out...am so so tired...
called dar juz now, he seems bz, i din know wad to do...
i felt lost, really...i was like going home from the usual route but i wasnt looking at all...
my attention wad diverted...
i cant seem to concentrate at all...
it's getting out of hand anytime...

dar, i still love you, tt's for sure.
but i feel that the distance between us is drifting further and further apart...
Blogged @ 10:50 AM
always thinking -

I hate my timetable...it really sux.
arghz...three days with 4-5 hrs break.
oh manz, kill me!
dont ask me to stay in the library thru'out the break.
can die...
eh, was at hime the whole day.
facing this com...settling some stuffs....
really dont know wad to say...
welfare comm doesnt seems very very busy, but why am i so busy??
or perhaps i got no sense of organization ba...
haiz...dar went chalet ytd...
eversince the call from ytd night, i'm hearing no news from him...
*sick*
wonder wadz up now?
am so dependant on him le...

after this stupid rain,
the weather is still so hot.
the head is in a spin.
my heart is burning.
my whole life revolves around you.
~i miss you loads~
Blogged @ 6:46 PM
always thinking -

0920:
rushing off to work soonz...in about 40 minutes.
I'm so tired...wanted to sleep more...but today area manager on shift...
*wakes up*(better not risk it.) haha.
eh, ytd had training! did abit of cheers. and guess wad, we played captain's ball!
i mean it's so cool to have a good game instead of the usual cheers.
and i really lurve my team members!
hmm, ron=>timer, then got Royston, Jun Wei, Edmund, my Dar, LL, Jasmine and me!
we scored quite well, i suppose so. cuz we beat them all. haha, lurve the keeper so much cuz dar is the one. haha. got so much frequency between us ytd. would like to say, i'm not a good scorer but he's a good catcher, so yupz. we did well.
as for night time, i really hate to say this, i hate dilly-dallying...it took them a very very long time to reach a decision for it to be made on saturday.
by then i was so hungry le lorz.

think i hurt my pinky while playing the ball, so clumsy.
dar wants me to go see doc...but i really dun want to...
maybe, later will be better?? cuz it's really better le.

I love the keeper, not bcoz of the games itself.
but the fact that the keeper kept me safe, away from the danger.
I'm not a good scorer, cuz i cant score.
But i'm able to bring out your potential.
That's what matter most to me.
Love ya, honey!
better rush off now...mightz bez latez soonz..zzz

1900:
i'm super duper tired...
my muscles are aching...(think bcoz of ytd or sth ba)
hmm...was working with my fav. area manager today. haha
he's handsome, "joke-able", workable plus nonsencical.
but today, really nobody lah, so slack, nth to do de.
good thing is time passes so fast.
eh, i dunno wadz up juz now...
i think i'm jealous.
i think so...
got a sms from his phone, hmm...spare the details part.
but ya, it made scared... i fear i'll lose him at that point of time though i kept telling myself to trust him and to believe in him...
i scalded myself by that wadever metal it is...accidentally.
i was wearing my setter's gloves then but still, that hotness went thru that glove, to be frank, it actually seared open my glove, leaving that tiny hole there.
i didnt know y i didnt cry then. then again, like wadever bad luck, i got splashed by the 180 degree celcius oil,(should be juz a drop), think no scar ba. *phew*
was getting cranky le, didnt pay much attention to my surrounding too...was juz in a daze...
after work, called him n i got back my senses.
at least i think i feel i'm alive now.
i feel tired...
while juz now, i'm numb towards everything.

Honey, dun ever leave me alone in the dark.
You're my light.
I need ya.
Blogged @ 9:07 AM
always thinking -

today, wanted to go back OP.
who knows, whoever set the rules tt need appointment, the purpose n all inorder to see my fav teacher...
got WF and Flora so pissed off.
I'm actually fine wid it, funny. haha.
then called Ms Wong and Nordin but no one picked up manz, got so sianz.
Gal n WF havent eaten so go mac eat.
then decided to go J8.
well, in the first place, i was quite reluctant to go there cuz i know dar also there with his frenz before noon lah.
then my frenz with those fumes still up there might think i go J8 deliberately lorz...haha.
walked the whole J8, then the both of them did bought sth in the end while i'm empty-handed again. juz cant find sth that interest me lah.
thought tt dar had left by then.
was walking to tt takopachi shop to eat sth then. but when i walked pass sakae, i wonder wad made me turned, i thought i saw dar and his frenz..i juz freeze on the spot lorz but am glad that flora and WF didnt really realise and probe me cuz i was like catching up with them before they really turned. haha
feel so weird all the time when i'm at J8 after tt. i felt that he's so close then...
wanted to go home le, decided to try calling him and i got thru.
and then, guess wad??
he says he's at bishan! (and i'm there too.) i asked him if he's wearing brown, sitting at sakae juz now and he asked me where I am then.
left WF and flora to meet him upstairs.
it was like so coincidental manz, i think i'm getting the hang of the frequency le.

I'm feeling everything related to him le.
I juz feel it.
And I like that feeling.
Blogged @ 8:08 PM
always thinking -

change of plan.
went back NP today cuz got sudden meeting bout performance...
arghz.
haha, he's late again.
but who cares, haha. cuz so many ppl also late. heez
the meeting was like 35 minutes??from 11.35 - 12.10 only.
went out wid 11 ppl. oh manz, haha, crashed holland v, far east, and PS.
haha.
hmm, today, we have Jos, Ron, Edmund, Kenny, Jason, Sheryl, Ling Ling, HuiTing, Lynn, Shu Juan and Me! haha...
went so many places, legs sore le...
cant even find my wanted identity...
arghz...left slightly earlier wid dar cuz he meeting someone else. heez.
hmm...*headaches*
still having it...haiz...

counting down from 40 but accumulating them at the same time...haha
shall pay them all back till the water in the ocean runs dry.
Blogged @ 7:07 PM
always thinking -

went to work today...
today worse than ytd...
cuz today no more piggy...then i auto setter le for the whole day with the sales of ytd. arghz...so tired...
i scald my finger today with the boiling sauce...
arghz...but now, no mark le lah, haha...
am so relieved...wonder how bad it'll be if my finger really got swollen...
ew~ kharrudin on shift in the evening, he so crappy, for sure i'll be his source of entertainment in the near future le... bully me sia...
arghz...
Blogged @ 8:54 PM
always thinking -

woke up at 9+ plus...
wow...i'm being more n more like a piggy manz.
arghz.
before rushing off to work at 12, decided to come online to see wad's up wid my com ytd night...got quite fed-up lah....it's like i'm spoiling the com again...
haiz...but it's sort of all solved now...by trial n error manz. hehe
was so hungry at 2+, wanted to take my lunch so badly, switch shift wid alex, went in the kitchen to be the "chef" a.k.a (in MOS) setter...who knows, when all my food can be eaten, the crowd started coming in...haiz...wad a timing i choose, sort of regreted...hehe. managed to finish my burger before those continuous orders came in...but gotta leave my fries and my fav drink alone...oh manz...
juz that stupid timing alone,i think 2hrs or less than that lah, the three of us(including my manager), we hit over 300+ worth of sales, which means that it's real bz...
maybe if i was doing cashier, and that piggy alex doing setter, it'll be so much slacker cuz i'm trained for cashier while he's for setter.
am so sick then, was having headaches while no one cares or bothers bout me...
arghz.
wanted to call dar so badly now...but i think he's bz wid some stuffs...
gonna be a good gal n dun disturb him...hehe.
though i cant say i wont disturb others ba. haha, cuz i juz disturb piggy alex during work...
made him wanna use hammer knock me, throwing mayo on me, pouring that hot water on me. but of cuz, he didnt lah...
i'm talking the whole load of rubbish bout alex now, cuz he's the entertainment of the day during work today...haiz, sad...
*sick*
next week quite packed again.
monday, might be visiting my ex-manager.
tuesday, going back to OPSS to see my dear dear teachers. miss them loads.
wednesday, training.
thursday, for the 1st time in the holi, i'll be going off to work wid that handsome, good good Area Manager! wonder why all my colleagues dun like to work with him, say he strict, fierce,etc... (i think i'm going to be a sadist soon)
friday might be free, might. no plans now.
saturday, working.
sunday, slacking ba... there goes my week. haiz...
FOC!! I wonder why my mind is all filled with dar and FOC now...
hmm...
Blogged @ 9:00 PM
always thinking -

went to np for mojo camp grp meeting today...
thot i'll be late.
but then i reached at 10.05, n no one's there yet.
OMG... haha...
about 11 then really gt somehow started. streched til bout 1.
then go out wid dar today.
watch pacifier. hmm, so-so show but am real contented to watch wid dar.
been sometime since we really had each other. haha.
talk quite abit today.

I'm loving u more n more, couldnt help it.
If it's a dream, dun ever wake me up.
Love ya
Blogged @ 8:48 PM
always thinking -

I think i hurt myself ytd.
i'm in pain sia~
my neck, my back...arghz

gt my results back...knew it'll be lousy, prepared for it.
and ya, it's really lousy though no D.

the pain is killing...think i juz need a good massage.
ah~
Blogged @ 1:16 PM
always thinking -

had training today...
wanted to meet dar de...
but he fell sick againz...
arghz...say i'll blog, so i came in blog.

eh, cheering today. plus we went and trashed SU!
haha...
eh, wasn't feeling well myself too...
had diarrhoea ytd noon...btw juz now again.
arghz...then during training, was asked to drink the half bottle of 1.5L of water...
i ended up going to the toilet and throwing everything out.
all my lunch and those water...
oh my gosh...
now backaches, throat abit sore, head abit pain.
but i still feel alive...
haha, saddist...haha
Blogged @ 8:57 PM
always thinking -

Whee...back from the camp...
dont know to say tired or not...
haha, cuz scared my president happen to see this post.
*oops* haha.
had a night walk on the first night...was quite eerie lah,
though i happen to be the 2nd person to go and missed out the actual route i'm suppose to take.
thinking back, i'm jus glad that i din end up missing in that dark dark building... ah~(so scary)
and one more thing, i really dunno to comment or not...
i really dunno if i happened to step on anyone's tail by volunteering to be the first gal for the night walk...(cuz after the camp, my dar did remind me of sth)
hmm...maybe to somebody, i'm showing off that i'm daring...
but deep now, i volunteered to be the first gal cuz i'm scared and i believe that by going first, i feel better than listening to more ghost stories from the seniors...
it's wad i always do since young, injections or wadever, i alwasy volunteer to go first when there's no initiave from others...cuz i'm scared.
now 2nd day, i still couldnt play much due to hmm...foreseen circumstances(not unforeseen de)then at night, those "duh" seniors play pranks in us by saying they're sacking ppl that night and sending ppl home.
of all ppl, they took away some frenz and my dar...which made me realise how impt my dar is...but i kept telling myself that all those wasnt true...
it turned out that i'm right and all was a joke...*phew*
and i was informed that i got into welfare commitee for the coming camp...
which was my third choice out of four. feel so lousy then, thought that i might switch to other if possible when i cant make it...
but...
third day was the freshman induction day, those freshies came and the welfare comm ppl were given the chance to try out...
am glad that i'm starting to feel like i can make it le...
i belive that when i'm given a lil bit of time, i can actually tame my heart to do the thing my brain wants me to...
had my slp campensated from ytd night til this morning...
feeling a lil sick but am alright(at least tt's wad my brain telling my heart now)
tata...long post....
*phew*
Blogged @ 3:15 PM
always thinking -

had training ytd...
did cheers again...
also learned a clap, a dance.
hahaha...losing voice soon...
today had matriculation...
didnt even know i can talk to the freshies juz after one try.
hahaha...
went lot 1 wid the usual gang today...
wonder wad's up wid myself sometimes...
getting temperamental so easily...
hmm...must have made him upset though he says it's ok...
i juz feel it lorz...no point saying no either...it wont help me...
I'm really sorry...
I'll change...

I wanna walk wid u in my once darkest, now brightly-filled wid lights fairyland... i see that you're the one who will make me learn
Blogged @ 8:47 PM
always thinking -

To the lost soul of myself:

I'm sad...
I wanted to cry...
I cant believe I'm this selfish...
I dont wanna feel this...
I'm jealous...

I thought I wouldnt feel this...
but still...
i know he's helping a friend out in a situation...
but still...

I wanna hate myself now...
but still...
argh...
everything I do now isnt anything anymore...
I wanna run...run forever...
eternally...
alone or with him, it might differ but i dun wanna think far anymore...
I'm lost...
I must not cry...I must not think like this...not anymore

I might not say wad I feel cuz I din wanna be a burden to you.
It's up to you to be sensitive or not now.

Ppl, take care, will be hibernating soon...cant think anymore...
brain block...heez
Blogged @ 5:17 PM
always thinking -

argh...
i'm so tired...
i'm so sick...
i'm sure there's a phenomenom today...
so many ppl ordering prawns and mussels...
argh...then the morning manager change shift n went home...
once she stepped out of the store, the big order came in...
and wad's more, is that only a manager n me on shift...
so so tired...
and i miss dar real lotz.
How i wish i can see you right now...
argh...

I hope everything is alright, juz gt a news from dar...
shifu...
Blogged @ 8:58 PM
always thinking -

went out today...
walk n walk.
came back home only to find out the same worriedness still instilled in my mum.
i'm worried now too...
i'm afraid...
i wanna hide away soon...
again...
but my heart will always remain the same.
i will not give you up for no reason.
it will be a promise to myself.
let my blog be my witness.
eh,i'm starting to crap le.

hmm...dar's sick, whoever seen him will feel the same feeling as me right now.
heart pain sia...
never in my life seen a person eat so many strepsils before...
eat n eat de...
haha...


I want nothing but you
and you better get well soon
Blogged @ 7:19 PM
always thinking -

happy 1st month anniversary!
to myself n dar!
haha.
so sianz, today reformat my com le....
heez...but it took so long, so didnt go out in the end either...

i miss you again...lotz
Blogged @ 10:31 PM
always thinking -

came online today when LL asked me out...
after thinking that i had nth better to do, i agreed.
called dar but his mum picked up...couldnt explain my feeling...but ya.
haha...
hmm, so we all went out then meet ZW and Raine at PS. watch movie.
came home later than usual again.
am juz glad that i didnt really get into big trouble.
*phew*

tmr will be our very first month
but i wont be meeting you.
will be missing you all the while.
miss ya
Blogged @ 10:13 PM
always thinking -

Sunday went Bukit Batok, crematorium to pray for my grandfather, great grandfather and great grandmother.
Monday went KBOX wid gal n Wee Fen...
we sang til like throat went quite sore lorz. then bout 4+ met dar, go buy my sleeping bag for the upcoming camp.
today went GL training, learn cheers...did cheer until i nearly lose voice again. argh.
hmm, then went westmall...window shop quite abit.... by fact, i should have gone home de...but i really didnt want to...dont know why...yet he thinks i gotta get home in case my parents scold me.
wanted to lose my temper de...cuz i think he dont understand wad i'm feeling.
but i didnt cuz i know he doesnt like me to lose temper...but i got upset instead.
hmm, but still i came home quite late than usual, nth happen. *phew*
now, am quite glad to have him accompany home.

love ya
Blogged @ 8:07 PM
always thinking -

argh...went working today...
work wid a rather new manager today...
think i first time doing his shift...
hmm...thiught he wasnt easy to talk to...
but after today's shift...hmm...have another view bout him...
he's rather humourous...haha...
dunno wad's up today...
him n alex make me look like i'm so brainless...
humph...
haha...
heard that yoshii got transferred to tampines le...
so so sad... i miss him...
or should i say, i miss bullying him...at least, time flies faster when i'm on his shift...those bickering n stuffs...
he went so fast... w/o telling me...
but oon the other hand, he was only given a day notice that he's transferring...
haiz...
monday shall meet gal n wf, kbox again...
oh manz...this holiday, i better not lose my voice...
still got so many trainings n camps...
oh....

miss ya
Blogged @ 9:47 PM
always thinking -

Happy April Fool!
haha...
eh, finish my exams today!
finally...
went kbox today wid Adelyn, LL and Joseph.
didnt know he got such good voices, haha.
got mesmerised by him... oops. haha...
came home late tonight...after my usual timing lah.
hmm...now my whole family knows le...
now...
hope everything will end like a fairytale...
happily eva after... hahahah
Blogged @ 10:15 PM
always thinking -